1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, though he dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy. Bubba Claus follows his third cousin twice removed around all year and replaces lumps of coal and switches in stockings with things that the “bad boys and girls” love to please their parents with...like untrained house puppies, and drum sets with no instructions.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. Reindeer were once mistakenly issued to Bubba Claus, who now has a couple more nice trophy heads over his fireplace. They all have names, Elvis is the head dog, and Pierre the Poodle is in the rear, because he likes the view from back there!
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Petty, on you dawgs, on."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" will be replaced by "Yee-haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond in unison, "I hear'd dat, you bet your butt, or gimme some!
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." He also has a few other decorations on his sleigh back as well, such as a string of flashing Christmas lights around the license plate, and a caricature of Santa Claus going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit V" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. You should make sure that the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, Christmas songs about Santa Claus, such as "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" will be replaced on all AM radio stations in the South by your new official Christmas carol, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
T. BUBBA BECHTOL