THIS IS FROM BUBBA
Dr. Matthew R. Gillian
Tennessee Chapter, BOA, 2015
GOOD STUFF !!!
Random Bubbadom, 3.0
How many folks belong to a civic club or social group? Millions! Think about this; You’ve got Masons, Kiwanis, Jaycees, Elks, Moose, Eagles, Optimists, Toastmasters, Lions, Civitans, Shriners, VFW, Rotary, Women’s Club, Women’s Auxiliary, Eastern Star, Scouts, Bass Masters, Buck Masters, and so on and so forth. They all have secret handshakes, bylaws, codes, rituals, certain rites-of-passage, Bingo night, and even some have Temples to meet in.
They have really cool titles for the members who run the things, too. I mean the really big dogs like: General, Secretary General, Sergeant at Arms, Commandant, Grand Pooh-Bah, Exalted Ruler, Grand Master, Scout Master, Madam Secretary, President, High Chairman, Big Cheese, Big Kahuna, Big Dawg, Chief, Esteemed Leader, Head Honcho, Supreme Eminence, and Master Buck, just to name a few. (of course, they refer to Bubba as: “ Your Gigantic Immenseness” or G.I. for short…for short-short, that stands for Grand Idiot.)
Now, let’s think about and discuss the really “elite” clubs. Take for instance, The American Legion. The American Legion is so elite and unique, it even has its own disease…Legionnaires Disease…none of the others have their own disease! Ponder that for a moment. How exclusive is that? Remember the good ‘ol days of “color diseases”? You got Scarlet Fever, Yellow Fever, Black Fever, Black Water Fever, Spotted Fever, Pink Eye, Red Mange, and Gang Green, (which, by the way, I heard over at the Farmer’s Co-op the other day; “Gang Green” is actually the name of the new John Deere Bluegrass Rap group that’s coming out soon – just sayin’!).
Then there are the “animal diseases,” like: Chicken Pox, Monkey Pox, Cow Pox, Hog Pox, Bird Flu, Hoof-in-mouth, Mad Cow, Cat Scratch Fever, Parrot Fever, Beaver Fever, Rat-Bite Fever, and the ever popular, all-inclusive; Worms. Heck, I was eighteen years old before I found out “The Plague” wasn’t a color disease. I thought it was called “The Blue-Bonic Plague.” I didn’t know if mercurochrome was a kind of car paint or a brand of film for a camera! Of course, that was the year of many discoveries for me. I discovered, while taking my SAT test for college, that “Orientar” was, in fact, not the country where the Three Wise Men were from. You know…”we three Kings of…” (That one will catch up to you in a minute!)
Bubbas are cultured, too! We enjoy cinema, Television, literature, art, music, travel, etc.! We love movies with John Wayne, Anne Margaret, Sam Elliot, Liam Neeson, Robert Duvall, Katherine Hepburn, Sean Connery, Audie Murphy, Strother Martin, Tommy Lee Jones, Bruce Dern, Anthony Hopkins, Betty Davis, James Arness, Morgan Freeman, Henry Fonda, Audrey Hepburn, Wilford Brimley, Gene Hackman, Donald Sutherland, Harrison Ford, Michael Duncan Clarke, Buck Taylor, Cate Blanchett, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Tom Hanks, Ashley Judd, Gregory Peck, Jimmy Stewart and Robert Mitchum. We actually read books (only when magazines aren’t available – and sometimes color in them!).
We have art plastered all over the front of the refrigerator. Our truck floorboards are covered with old cassettes and empty CD jackets. And once or twice a year, we make the nearly-religious pilgrimage to The Mother Church of Country Music – The World Famous WSM Grand ‘Ol Opry in Nashvegas, TN, to see our ultimate superhero – T. Bubba Bechtol – in all of his hilarious Glory, performing his magic on the sacred stage!
You know that Bubba’s are not going to be outdone by anybody! Bubba’s have their own diseases, too! All true Bubba’s have beaten Anorexia a time or two. You’ve heard me lecture on that subject before. Yeah, we just said “NO” to all those fad diets. We have the exclusive rights to “Dunlop’s Disease.” You all know this one…our bellies done lopped over our belts. We also get stricken with a terrible emotional disorder called “Optical Rectitus.” That’s when we have a real “crappy outlook” on things. Sometimes, Bubbas are overtaken by “Rectal/Cranial Inversion.” That, of course, is when you’re running around with “your head up your butt!” We have Thunder-Thighs, Whistle-Britches, Spare Tires, and some even have extra chins…to help protect the throat and shade the upper body.
Bubba’s believe that Crisco, Salt, Sugar, Preservatives, Sausage Gravy, MSG, Beef Jerky, Cheetos, Tabasco sauce, Frosting with sprinkles, Deep-fried anything and that white cream filling stuff inside of Twinkies, are the very foundation of a healthy food pyramid. Slim Jim’s are the true Staff-of-Life!
Bubba’s have several distinct “fevers” and “maladies” to call their own: Spring Fever, Cabin Fever, Swamp Fever, Buck Fever, Bass Fever, Jalapeno Fever, Snuff Fever, Bowling Fever, Fever Blisters, Blood Blisters, Sunburn Blisters, and of course blisters on our fingers from the hot grease on the outside of Kentucky Fried Chicken Buckets!
You see, Bubba’s don’t need a fancy temple to meet in either…we’re wearing them…just look at these palatial bodies! Our bodies are our temples…or pretty near the same size as one, anyway! I’m telling you folks; Buddha was a Bubba and doubled as his own temple, too!! Wherever two or more Bubbas are gathered together, a meeting is officially declared. Remember; there’s a Bubba born every 7 minutes in the United States, alone. That is all. Class is dismissed and meeting is adjourned.
“Children; obey your parents, for they know not what they do.”
The Wholly Book of Bubba, Ch.3, V13
Written and submitted by,
Dr. Matthew R. Gillian
Tennessee Chapter, BOA, 2015