http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php babblings ! Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:05:13 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss092 mjcanty@bellsouth.net mjcanty@bellsouth.net en Merry Christmas and I mean that....! Bubba http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=61&c=1 Today is a unique day for America. Only we give thanks and have a day for it. Since 1621 we have thought this was necessary for us as a nation to do. It is still. Give thanks and pray for our country. Love you family and friends and may your favorite team win. T. Bubba Bechtol http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=60&c=1 ISLAND SLANG Slang is a part of the American setting. We can’t escape it. I don’t like it, but every part of the country I have been to and that is “All” of them, has their own slang. The word “Booger” just doesn’t mean the same thing in New York City as it does here. We have our own slang here on the Redneck Riviera as well. Over the years I have learned, added to and selected our Island Slang. It is well known by my island friends, but we all need to learn it as it is sometimes used on “main landers” and other such folks. Our Slang language refers many types of people. Here is a list of the words you need to learn to be able to communicate with others here on “da Beach”. BLAME BURSTERS: These are people that react to every problem we have with “blame shifting”, shifting responsibility to someone else and never take any themselves. You will find them in government a lot. They are like cloud bursts of acid rain on us all. SEA GULL’S: A sea gull is a person that flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves. They are in all bars, usually have red noses, have not read a newspaper in years and have opinion on everything. ASSLANDERS: This is self-explanatory. They come from everywhere at all times. CUBER: This is a person that spends the entire work day in a cubical, then comes to the island to relax and doesn’t know how to. They can usually be seen with milk white legs and socks on with their thong sandals. Cuber is not a redneck trying to say Cuba! PRAIRIE DOGS: These are the people you see popping their heads up from bars and around corners when Bubba slaps somebody upside the head for using bad language in front of his woman. They will scatter easily and have a lot of hair on their bodies. STRESS GUPPY: This is a person that seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Many of them get drunk on one beer and have enjoyed poor health for most of their lives. ADULT DAY CARE PEOPLE: These people can be found in the bar parking lots at ten AM waiting for the bars to open. They have no life and if we didn’t have the bars, they would all be in nursing homes. They also smell like stale beer and cigarettes, 24-7!! SAND SEEKERS: These people are always looking for whiter sand. You can hear them say things like “That sand is not as white as the sand in the Sugar Bowl”, or “Why is the sand not white today? As if it has ever mattered. They also smoke milkweed and many are vegetarians. WATER WANTERS: A Water Wanter is a person that is landlocked in the middle of the island and spends their entire life trying to get “on the water”, instead of being happy and walking 300 steps to either side of the island and being in the water! Many of them wear horn rimmed glasses and eat seaweed on their salads. SHELLERS: These are Tourons, a mix between Tourist and Moron, that come to go “shelling”. They walk the beach with heads bent, stick and net in hand hoping for that one shell that they can frame or a lot of broken ones that always end up on the back of the bathroom commode. They are lost souls that have not had intimate relations for years and buy a lot of Adult toys. DRIFT WOODERS: now these people are a hoot. They can see things like a whale, Abe Lincoln, or a space ship in a piece of driftwood. They spend all month looking for a piece of driftwood that they can put next to their swimming pool at home and then wonder where all the bugs are coming from. They also have plastic flamingos in their yards and change their own oil in their cars. CHICKEN NECKERS: these people can be seen on the pier with crab nets with chicken necks tied inside of them hoping to catch a crab. Some are all very white, some are yellow, and a few are dark tanned to complete black, but all of them have no idea of what they are doing and look stupid drowning chicken parts. They are not smart enough to fish, so they go for the bottom feeders with a net and a chicken neck. They are all from someplace else and have never eaten a fried chicken neck in their lives. “Local’s” are people that have the courage to live here all the time, “Turon’s” come to smell the salt air for a week or two and “Part timers” are people that have a house or condo here but live some place else. Bless their hearts, each and every one ! Just thought you’d like to know…………….. http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=59&c=1 “Bubba's Rules for The New Year” To All Women: 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. It’s not important, it’s just a reason to complain! 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be. Learn the “infield fly rule”; it will simplify your life, really! 1. If someone dear to us is not dead or you are not bleeding, Crying is blackmail. Always, no exceptions! 1. Tell us what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We want to please you, we really do! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. If you need more of an answer, tell us, we don't know, and think we have answered the question fully. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for; wives are for sharing and being totally honest with. Expect action! 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor, or a sex therapist, either way….. get rid of it or learn to ignore it. 1. Anything we said 6 days ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 6 days. Things change and so we. Flexibility is the key to honesty! 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. You come to bed in a pair of soccer shorts and a flannel top; don't expect sex to be the best, just quick! 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. It's a question that is totally unfair to ask anyone, but your mother or your best girlfriend. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Do you see what we are saying here? 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. We don't mind being told to do something, as long as it's not it in front of our mamma or a fellow Bubba. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. This is a great time to talk, have fun or even sex, if it's an info-mercial. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. He didn't know where he was going, he didn't know where he was when he got there, and I didn't know where he had been when he got back. He was a true Bubba and a man for the ages. If you must give directions, include a map. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. We know what color the rainbow is, but don't want a flag to fly, we'll leave that for the queer folks. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It's satisfying, just be glad we don't lick ourselves. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. If you say, "you know", then we are really in trouble, because we DON'T know, never have and never will, so TELL us what is wrong! 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. We don't do "rhetorical questions", we make statements, it's easier to understand and unless it involves sex we won’t answer anyway! 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or NASCAR. Face it, sometimes we are NOT thinking about you. When we are thinking about you, we will use our hands more! 1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. Your shape is fine with me as longs as it makes you happy! Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping, without the tent and having to use leaves in a creative way! J. Terryl "T. Bubba" Bechtol, CSP Comedian-Humorist 1-800-BE-BUBBA January 3rd, 1995 http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=58&c=1 Thank to you all for listening to our morning radio show. We are now #1 in our market and it's just getting better. I am happy to say that it has not hurt my touring with my show and things are good. You can email the show at www.newsradio1620.com, my email is tbubba@newsradio1620.com and Tarsha is tarsha@newsradio1620.com. You can also listen to us on the streaming audio from the website on your computer every morning from 6 to 9 AM. It is just one more step in my comedy career and thank you for being a part of it. T. Bubba Bechtol http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=57&c=1 Hey...do you know how to get an Auburn fan to vote against Sen. Obama? Just put a G in the front of his name.... Donchajusluvit???? http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=56&c=1 I once heard Secretary of State Madeleine Albright say, "There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women"...Hey Madeleine, Where are all the liberal women coming to the aid of Sarah Palin, now that she has been named VP for the Republicans? They man not agree with her on political standings, but they do have the moral obligation to defend Palin from such sexist attacks as she is undergoing. Or is that just the "other women"? I'm just Bubba, but I want to know... http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=55&c=1 Me and Lishous are in St. Paul with the GOP National Convention...Listen up and watch for me on TV with some comedy reactions for Fox News...they treat me here and appreciate the fact that I am the President of THE BUBBA'S OF AMERICA AND HAVE SAID THAT "BUBBA IS A REPUBLICAN".... T. BUBBA BECHTOL http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=54&c=1 Hey Y'all, Me and Lishous are in St. Paul, MN covering the GOP Convention. We are in the Fox News Nerve center with complete Radio Pass and doing our morning show on News Radio 1620 every morning from 5:30 to 9 Am, CT. You can listen in on www.newsradio1620.com, with the streaming audio. It's a hoot...saw a Butter Carving contest yesterday, and the Chruch Bottom Ladies really rocked the place. Nice City, clean and Lars and Lena say hello. T. Bubba Bechtol http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=53&c=1 The writer of this essay is Jerry Molen. Jerry is a great friend and an Academy Award winning Hollywood Producer. He did Jurassic Park, Hook, Rainman, and many more class movies. He won the Academy Award for Schindler's List. Jerry is one of the very few clear thinking conservatives that I know from Hollywood. We need to get this out to as many as possible to include liberal Democrats. We are about to make the Mother-of-All-Mistakes, because the Republican Party gave us no reliable alternative. In my opinion, if the conservative movement does not rally behind the only alternative left to us, this country will become a true Socialist State within the next two Presidential terms. Ladies and Gentleman, this is the most grave situation this nation has faced in my lifetime. Jim Cash B/G, USAF, Ret. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jerry Molen wrote: 'Election woes defined by prose.....' We just experienced an overhyped, positively outrageous primary election season that has left me cold and wondering where the heads of our citizens are hiding out. Must be someplace where the sun doesn't get to very often. At one time in my life I was a determined, dedicated and ever loyal registered Democrat. Then something happened (Lyndon Baines Johnson) that turned my life around and gave me much pause as to the veracity of a party that dwelt on and fed off of the most unfortunate among us. Some of those unfortunates were in their positions in life by way of their own choosing and others were there by circumstance. But always, always with a door open to them to reach for new heights, achieve new goals, change their lives for the better. And also, always ever present were the bottom feeders doing everything they could to take advantage of those who had not or have not seen the light of better days and times nor realizing they were in fact the masters of their own destiny. They had come to believe that they were dependent on those in power in Washington and that they would look out for them and take care of their every need. They are still waiting and expecting al those promised freebies. Most people aren't even aware that the Democrats ruled Washington for over 40 years. It wasn't until 1994 when the so called Gingrich Revolution changed that for a short period of time. Nor do people realize that it was the Dem's that created the failed policies of the many entitlement programs that are falling apart right before our eyes. Please do not think I find the Republicans blameless in all this. They too, suffer from ego inflation and greed motivators built into the system. It's just that the past few months I've listened to the rantings and railings of the left in America calling for more giveaways and better ways to obtain the proverbial 'free lunch'. I think that to sum up my feelings and why I am so set apart from those within the circles of political power and influence can be illustrated best by a quote by noted basketball legend and talk show co-host Charles Barkley: 'Poor people have been voting for Democrats for the last fifty years....and they are still poor'. And now with the election results comes the promises of 'change'. 'Change we can believe in.' 'Change for the future'. When in fact if you really, I mean REALLY listen to what the new messiah is asking for is not 'change of policy' or 'change for the better'. He is warning all of us that he wants our change all right, 'loose change', pocket change', social change and political change......So people wake up. For if you don't the change you get may not be the change you were expecting or the change you wanted. To close my screed, I want to leave you with some JM predictions in the event the junior Senator from Illinois becomes President and especially if the House and Senate are veto proof. 1). Strict new gun laws will be enacted even though he promised he would not. 2). The phrase 'In God We Trust' will be removed from all currency. 3). He will back away from his pledge to Israel and leave them to the wolves of Islam. 4). Hillary Clinton will be named to the Supreme Court. 5). Tax rates will return to their highest levels in 30 years. 6). The capital gains tax will be at least double current levels. 7). Retired Army General Wesley Clark will be named Secretary of Defense. 8). The borders will be 'basically open' to all comers. Especially those from the Middle East and South America. 9). Amnesty will be granted to all illegals now in the U.S regardless of status or even gang members (MS-13). and 10). The war in Iraq will be brought to an abrupt end and the results will be tragic and the consequences to our military will be devastating. I realize that my predictions may not sit too well with some people and the best we could all hope for is that I am totally wrong. Any bets? Jerry Molen http://www.tbubba.com/b2/index.php?p=52&c=1